the list: didn't hear it, didn't miss it

Proudly announcing the debut of a new feature on CH: "the list," a top 5, or 10, or however many, of whatever I feel like listing. Will appear sporadically, kind of like my posts.

Since I don't have access to American radio, and Japanese stores prefer tasteful orchestral renditions of classic carols, I made it through the whole Christmas season without hearing:

1) Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer -- I thought this was hiliarious when I was 10. Not so much in subsequent years.
2) Do They Know It's Christmas -- No, and they probably don't care, since Christianity isn't their primary religion. "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you." Awesome.
3) Marshmallow World -- I just don't like marshmallows. Or thinking about marshmallows.
4) The Barking Dogs' rendition of Jingle Bells -- enough said.
5) Any version of The Twelve Days of Christmas, including the original, the Jeff Foxworthy version, the annual AP story about how much those gifts would cost and the one that goes "A beer, in a tree."

I did kind of miss the Chipmunks song, though.

An open letter to the authors of 'Easy Hiragana'

Dear authors of “Easy Hiragana”:

First, let me congratulate you for coming up with an appealing title for your book; I doubt “Ridiculously Difficult Hiragana” would have sold as well. I look forward to upcoming titles in your series, including “Easy Gourmet Cooking” and “Easy Space Shuttle Launches.”

I applaud your strategy for teaching the Japanese phonetic alphabet to English-speakers. The exercises, which involve writing everyday words, are designed to teach the kana characters while building vocabulary – an excellent two-pronged approach.

I do, however, have a minor quibble with your choice of “everyday words.” On an average day in Japan, I’m far more likely to need to say “Tuesday” or “eggs” – neither of which is taught in your book – than “chrysanthemum” or “prime minister.” In the final lesson, we were taught to write “atomic energy” and “electric car,” objects that WHY IN THE HELL WOULD I EVER NEED TO DISCUSS IN JAPANESE and that would be better classified as “futuristic” rather than “everyday.” Perhaps at some point in my expat life I will want to say “George Clooney drives an electric car,” but I can’t really think why. Also I don’t know the word for drive.

I eagerly moved on to the section on sample conversations, hoping to learn sentences that I can use every day in Tokyo, such as “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Japanese,” “It costs how much?” and “I don’t like food that has eyes.”

You got off to a good start. The very first conversation opened with “Where are you going?” – always useful – but you quickly went off the rails. Of all the potential logical answers – “I’m going to work,” “to Shibuya,” “to buy a Gucci sweater for my dog” – you chose “I’m going to the police station.”

Out of concern for your well-being, I have to ask: what kind of crime-plagued municipality do you live in that an everyday answer to the question “where are you going?” is “to the police station”? Is your bicycle stolen on a daily basis? Do you reside in pre-Batman Gotham City? Does that maybe explain the whole electric car thing? Are you actually George Clooney, writing under a Japanese pseudonym?

I can think of only two scenarios where “I’m going to the police station” would be useful:

1) You are a police officer, so this sentence is the equivalent of “I’m going to the office.”
2) The person asking “Where are you going?” has just mugged you.

Neither scenario requires the ability to say “atomic energy.”

Just something to keep in mind as you write the next edition of “Easy Hiragana.”

Arigato gozaimasu!