An open letter to people at my gym

Dear people who use/hang out at my gym:

1) Why do you work out in street clothes? I don't get it. It's not that you're wearing T-shirts and shorts that could do double duty as workout clothes; half of you are in sweaters and Timberlands. Were you just wandering through the mall and decided "Eh, I didn't really find anything I wanted at Old Navy, I guess I'll hit the gym to make my trip worthwhile"? The other day, I saw a woman wearing:
* extremely low-rise capri jeans
* five belts (none of which helped to hold up the jeans)
* at least 30 bracelets
* a tank top
* kitten-heel sandals
* granny panties that came up six inches above the top of her jeans

I wanted to ask her the two obvious questions:
a) Why would you wear that to run on a treadmill?
b) Why would you wear that?

I'm not saying you've gotta be in head-to-toe Foot Locker. I'm just saying it's a little weird to lift weights in a dress shirt and tie, is all.

2) As hangouts go, the gym is kinda lame, don't you agree? Everybody's all sweaty and looks bad, the lighting is garish, and at $45 a month, the cover's kinda steep. So if all you want to do is hook up, maybe the food court would be more fun. The seats there are more comfortable than the leg extension machines you're slouched on, and you won't get in fights every two minutes when people kick you off the equipment. No, really. I mean it. Leave. Now.

3) It's ludicruous that the gym doesn't provide towels, I hear ya, but pop in Target and buy a hand towel, would you? Having to wipe pools of your sweat off the equipment is just nasty.

And a few words for the management:
1) Buy some more increment weights. There's, what, two five-pound weights in the whole gym? And they're always in some bizarrely obscure spot -- yesterday I found them stacked like Jenga pieces on a scale. If tiny Bowie Athletic Club can afford increment weights for each machine, surely a huge fitness chain whose name rhymes with 'rallies' can spring for some.

2) Do something about #2 and #3 above. You maybe wouldn't have to lock people into decade-long contracts if they actually liked the gym.

3) What the heck do the trainers do? I've never seen them actually training anybody. I have seen them ignore people using equipment the wrong way, refusing to follow basic gym etiquette and overexerting themselves to the point of collapse. Worth mentioning, no?

I bring this up because I have a confession -- I cheated on you, Bally's. It started out innocently enough -- I was running an errand in Greenbelt and yes, we had a date that night, but there was a huge accident on Route 1 and since you close ridiculously early, I couldn't get there on time. So I went to Beltway Plaza, thinking the gym there was a Bally's, but no, it was Gold's Gym. (Maybe it used to be Bally's? I could have sworn it was a Bally's, but I was pretty emphatically proved wrong.) But I really wanted to work out. I needed it, Bally's, and you couldn't give it to me, so I got it from someone else. (Actually, I said to the guy at the desk, "Look, here's the situation -- I'm an idiot. I thought this was my gym. Can I get a one-day pass?")

And, oh, Gold's gave me what I wanted. There must have been 10 trainers on the floor, just talking to people and encouraging them (yes, believe it or not, just regular people who pay the membership fee. Talking to them!). It's actually open useful hours. And oh yeah, they have towels.

And so I sneaked in an illicit week at Gold's, thrilled by the clandestine nature of it all. The trainers showed me machines you never told me existed. (And for some reason, I burn more calories on their treadmills than on yours.)

I'm back, of course, because my free pass expired. But my eyes have been opened. I know I can do better. And once my crazy-long contract is up, you better believe I will.